In a few short minutes a day, you can boost your libido and change your life from dull and passionless to zesty and vibrant
Many women would love to restore their libido, but are too embarrassed to seek help
You all know what libido is; that feeling inside us that stirs us to find satisfaction in sexual activity. And the satisfaction that sex provides helps couples bond, promotes intimacy and increases feel-good hormones and brain chemicals. When a woman’s fire for her partner is put out, her relationship suffers and so does his.
But sex is about much more than just your relationship; it’s also about your health. Sex is a beneficial workout for a woman’s muscles and cardiovascular system. It improves your sleep, helps to relieve your stress, and boosts your self-confidence.
More than 40% of women over the age of 30 are not able to enjoy sex. That number is even higher among postmenopausal women. The high percentage of women with low libido is unfortunate given that sexual gratification is tied to life satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and self esteem.
Every day in my medical practice, I encounter women who have lost their sexual desire. It’s especially prevalent among women with fast-paced careers where stress is the norm. Many women would love to boost their libido, but are too embarrassed to seek help.
As a society, we don’t address this issue enough. I got all the way through medical school and my residency as an Ob/ Gyn and didn’t learn anything about sex drive in women. It has only been recently that we are beginning to see doctors, like myself, speaking out, writing books, and educating other medical professionals in this vital area of women’s health.
After years of helping women with low libido, I have seen time and again that with a little bit of work and some new knowledge, women experiencing low sex drive can restore it. Losing your sex drive is HARSH, but you can regain your passion by making changes in these five areas of your life:
H – Habits
A – Attitude
R – Relationship
S – Stress
H – Hormones
In a few short minutes a day, you can change your life from dull and passionless to zesty and vibrant. Most of the things you do everyday, you do because of habits. Change your habits, and you will change your life.
Since your libido and your overall health are tied together, pro-libido habits require lifestyle changes that foster pro-health habits like proper nutrition, exercise, and stress management. And all of these things can be done by taking a few minutes each day to make yourself more of a priority and practicing self-nurturing behavior.
Take a few minutes each day to make yourself more of a priority
Attitude is everything. Ninety-eight percent of sex happens in your brain, and a lot goes into a woman’s sex drive. Our brains really work differently than men’s brains. We have to learn our own ways to become more sensual and more passionate. Women’s sexuality is responsive, and it’s up to us to figure out what makes us respond.
The Sexual Response Cycle
The typical sexual response cycle that most of us are familiar with really applies more to men than women. It starts at desire, moves to arousal (more blood flow to your genitals and feeling turned on), peaks at orgasm, and then plateaus.
For women, desire is much more of a circular pattern. For instance, we can feel desire before we feel aroused, or becoming aroused can lead us to desire.
Emotional intimacy also tends to play a huge role in desire for women. It can be a major reason why we even have sex. It is a really important component of a woman’s desire that really isn’t involved as much in a man’s sexual response cycle.
We can learn which senses turn us on, and then we can explore those senses to create desire in our sexual relationships.
One of the things I ask all of my patients with low sex drive to do is to assess their relationship in a really frank way. Sometimes no sex drive may really just mean you have no sex drive for your sexual partner due to anger or resentment.
Some of my patients don’t realize that their relationship is the problem. I ask them about their relationships and they tell me, “My relationship’s fine, my husband is fine, everything’s fine.” But then if we go into more detail, they wind up telling me that they actually do have some anger and resentment. What they’re missing is that emotional intimacy that would allow them to feel close to their partner.
I was working with one patient who came in complaining of no sex drive. We worked on habits, we worked on attitude, we worked on hormones, and she kept coming in visit after visit saying, “Nope, I still have no sex drive.”
I noticed that she tended to mention how her husband was kind of a jerk. And so I finally asked her, “What if by some miracle it was the sexiest movie star you can think of in your bedroom rather than your husband, the jerk?”
No sex drive may mean you have no sex drive for your sexual partner due to anger or resentment
And she said, “Oh, no problem, I’d be all over that.” And so I said, “Okay, then it’s not your sex drive that’s the problem. The problem is that you’re not going to have sexual desire for somebody who you think is a jerk.”
I have seen that over the years, time and time again. Some people don’t realize that it’s not their sex drive that’s the problem. It’s their anger and their resentment towards their partner that’s getting in the way of having a satisfying sexual relationship. If this is the case for you, some relationship counseling could be the fix that you need right now. Take a good look at your relationship. That may be the key to getting your sex drive back on track.
Stress is by far the most common sex killer I see. And it can be such a huge issue for women with high stress, fast-paced lifestyles. Stress produces a hormone called cortisol. And cortisol robs us of our progesterone (our calming hormone) and testosterone (our hormone of desire).
Stress causes a hyperalert state. And sex can only happen when you’re relaxed!
Learn how to manage your stress, and you’ll be well on your way to the sex life you’ve always wanted.
Many patients come to me and say, “I know something is off, I know that my hormones are out of balance, but I have already been to my Ob/Gyn and asked them to check it out and my Ob/Gyn tells me that my hormones are normal, that they are fine.”
Fine is a word I hear a lot. But fine is not the same as optimal. With hormones, fine encompasses a huge range of hormone levels that may not necessarily leave us at our best.
For some of us, the higher end of normal may be what’s optimal for us, and may be what our body considers as normal. Balancing hormones can be very tailored to the individual, and we just don’t feel right without that proper balance.
But unfortunately, many Ob/Gyns are not well trained to deal with hormone balance. So if you feel like your hormones are out of balance, even if your Ob/Gyn tells you you’re fine, you may still be right. Hormone balance is key to sex drive.
There are so many things that you can do or not do everyday to increase your sex drive. Taking care of your body, tuning into your senses, working on your stress, improving your diet, exercising, and more. All of these are going to lead to hormone balance and to a better sex life. If you think you need hormone balancing or hormone replacement, consider seeing a hormone specialist.
I lost my passion at age 28, just as I was beginning my career as an Ob/Gyn. I felt alone and confused. I was a women’s health expert, and I knew nothing about this important area of women’s health.
I found many of the answers I needed in regenerative medicine and came to understand that my excessive stress coupled with my birth control pills had killed my libido.
I followed the HARSH outline above to regain my own sex drive, and I’ve used it to help countless other women bring back their desire. My mission is to support women as they choose to lead passionate lives. Take charge of your life today by exploring the 5 areas I’ve outlined above and watch your passions soar.